yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
