can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
