im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
my liver is dry heaving
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
