The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
