just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
