Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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