Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize