Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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