AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
