Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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