My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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