my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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