I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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