I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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