i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Then you guys just all showered together...?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize