There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
