Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
