I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
