watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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