help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
