I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
