That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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