This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
