I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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