you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize