mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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