It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
