Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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