She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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