I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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