if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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