If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
