I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
