Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
