Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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