and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
