I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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