That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
