Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
