big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
