My pussy is not your playground.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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