I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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