Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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