I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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