I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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