i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
