This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wish you could order shots online.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
