if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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