Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize