when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize