the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You took a bar mat shot.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
