Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
