after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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