my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
