remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
