sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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