i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Randomize
