i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
