I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
