so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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