RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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